Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Why I Like Women

How does it go?  'Hell have no fury like a woman's scorn'?  Those expert vixen of the surreptitious mind games.  How I envy them.

Normally, I can see these games coming from a mile away, and I do admit I've been known to start them once or twice before; but one recently crept up behind me and swallowed me whole before I could let out a gasp of surprise.

It went something like this:  Read more [+/-]

She: "You should totally live [where I live]."
Me: "Nah.  I don't want to get mugged."
She: "Excuse me?  Are you implying you can't get mugged right here in the city?  Because that's exactly what you're implying."

I was stunned.  I hadn't realized that was what I was implying.  But I wasn't going to let up.  I was determined to set her straight.  Okay, I was just foolish.

Me: "No.  It's just.. uhm.. so little street lamps and therefore darker where you live at night.  And I feel safer where there's more light."
She: "I can't believe what you're saying.  You just don't know, do you?  I don't believe that.  I want to see statistics."

And I dig myself a little deeper.

Me: "Plus, there doesn't seem to be any convenient stores around there anyway."
She: "Yes there is.  There's one on the other cross street, not the one you took from the subway."
Me: "Oh.."
She: "Just because you didn't walk around, you're implying that there's no stores.  You haven't even walked around [the area] 10 minutes!  How could you make that assumption?  Do you know how stupid you sound, right now?"

And STILL I continued.

Me: "Well, I just wouldn't want to live there anyway."
She: "Why?  What, you think you're too good to live [where I live]?"
Me: "Uhm.."
She: "You think you're better than us?"
Me: "U.."
She: "You think you're better than ME?!  DON'T YOU?!  You ...[blah blah blah]"

Everything else she said after was a blur.  I was speechless.  My face flushed.  She was a tornado and I was the mobile home being tossed around while my brain looked through the windows of my eyes, helpless to do anything in the situation.

The ball-buster, she got me good.  Bravo.  I'll definitely have to practice this technique of turn-everything-you-say-into-a-personal-attack insinuation.


GrooveTheory said...

That was funny! She sound like me when I'm PMS'ing.

Dave (P) said...

Women.. can't live with them... Pass the beer nuts.

Rich said...

Only practice that skill if you want to learn how to be an asshole.

Anonymous said...

why so hostile?


Steve said...

You don't know when to keep quiet, do you? It's stuff like this that remind me why I avoid chicks altogether. That's not to say, gay guys can't be like that... I'm just sayin'.

Jess said...

As I recall, it's

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,
Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

(That is, if you really wanted to know.)

tribecatexan said...

You weren't the mobile home...admit it, you wanted to be dorothy didn't you?

so, i guess you took the apt.

Ethan said...

SO what happened the next day? Girls never let things go!

JaG said...

I really felt sorry for you while reading this post. Poor you. Women can be real bitches, I know.

palochi said...

Obviously, some people act like they're paranoid on crack when they argue stupid shit like this.

Nah. You should've just said "yes, you're right" and then just walked away. She would've been so confused over what you agreed that her head might've exploded trying to figure it out.

If you can't leave 'em laughing, I say leave 'em stunned and speechless.

jOjo said...

i always turn it into a personal attack on my mom... people shut up faster

epicurist said...

If he is Dorothy, does that make her the Wicked witch?

Just a tip: Keep your mouth shut, especially when you see their eyes close into a slight slant, and their eyes glimmer with a certain fire.