I recently stopped dating this person, let's call him McW. He emailed me with, "Do you think we should still see each other?" and I replied, "No. I think we should just be friends" and citing my reasons. I know this is bad form, but he email me first.
It turned out to be a harder break than I anticipated; my reasons did not go over well with McW (his were different reasons) and he thought I was being unfair and resented the fact I used those reasons as the basis for my decision. After a heated exchange which included him bringing up old arguments, he decided that it would be okay for us to be friends.
Was I stupid to believe it was going to be that simple? As I tried to carry forward as friends, our conversations have been rittled with his sarcastic remarks (more insulting than teasing, referencing the reasons I used to stop dating).
He was a nice person when we were dating. But after these episodes, I realized how bitter he could be. Could it be that he was on his best behavior? Is he trying to make me feel guilty now for the breakup?
But the more important question I find myself asking now is, "Do I want a friendship with someone like that?" One thing I'm absolutely sure of now is that we would never have had a healthy relationship.
14 comments:
As someone who kinda knows you and the guy in question. I did notice that there was no spark between you and him. Though I constantly tease you with him, I kinda detected that you didn't like it. So, I came to the conclusion that you really didn't like the guy, but you tried. I personally don't befriend my ex's, for a lot of reasons. I don't even use the phrase "let's just be friends", because I know that won't even work. But to each is own, I guess.
The word friend is really relative. You can be the best of friends or just friends, as in, acquaintance or being cordial.
Sidebar: Thanks for Friday! I had so much fun! And congrats again. You should post about that you know?
I'm sure you've made the right decision. Time will tell if you two will end up as good friends or not. People change, everyday.
Yeah, but does that whole 'still be friends' thing really work?
Was this the guy I met the other week, or someone else? Friends after a break up usually doesn't work, though it is possible
Well, it can be traumatic. I remember when our torrid affair came to an end. I had Marc to comfort me, but it isn't easy. I still remember your reasons ("I have to stop. I'll never have you as mine alone, Jess, and I know no one will ever be able to top me as amazingly as you do, so I need to stop now before I can never be happy with another man."). It hurt, but I understood.
Being friends right after a break up is hard. There's always some anxiety on the part of the one who felt wronged or heartbroken.
The only ex that I am friends with, it took us 4 months of being apart to figure out that we each truly filled a void in each other's life and the spark of dating just wasn't there anymore. Now we're like old chums. And I don't even flirt with him anymore -- and you know how I am very bad about flirting.
So give him some time. Things may turn around.
Being friends after dating can work; most of my close friends in DC were people I'd dated a few times or had been in a relationship with, before we realized we were better friends than boyfriends. (and for the record, my partner is totally cool with that, and loves them as much as I do) But the fact that McW's being bitter, making insulting remarks about the breakup, suggests he's not someone who's interested in being real friends -- more like someone who's sticking around so he can have someone to resent. And who needs that?
Sometimes people don't really show you all of their sides until you break up. Or move in together. I'm glad you didn't find out the second way.
In other news, I'm amused that my security word is "sackll."
If the feelings about being "friends" are mutual, then it can work, but that's pretty rare, I think.
You weren't stupid to believe it could be that simple. You were honest about what you wanted and why. You did it in a straight forward way, at his prompting. Sometimes people simply get offended when they realise that the problem was about them, at least in part. At the end of the day, it just didn't work out. No harm, no foul.
If he persists on saying sarcastic remarks, it might be an indication that he is still not over you. Or as you have put it yourself, he's bitter about the breakup.
Only time can tell what's next for you two.
Ah.... SO this is the guy that you mentioned, yet its just friends now.
But you know, you're right. You've got to focus on what you are comfortable first - I mean, when things are not working out, they're not working out. So why force it? :)
Smooch Smooch
this is all I have to say
http://amnesiasparkles2.blogspot.com/2004/12/friend-or-hoe.html
Stick with your decision. Negativity in a relationship (be it friend, foe, or fuck) is not healthy. Your gut decision was the right one.
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