Thursday, March 02, 2006

Warning: Umbrella Pails

Dear restaurant-umbrella-stealer,

You are an asshole. And not the good kind either.

Jase

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Don't you hate when that happens? It happened to me during lunch today. I had a bad feeling about it right when the waiter told me to leave it in the pail. I just knew someone was going to take my beautiful, black compact totes umbrella. Isn't that just a kick in the head?

As I was walking back to work in the rain/sleet, I thought to myself how stupid I was to listen to the waiter; and then my mind switched gears thinking how I could improve on umbrellas so that I wouldn't lose them (or bring harm upon the thief, whatever). Necessity begets invention, n'est pas?

So I thought of putting a tracking device on it so that you can track the bastard down and trip them into a puddle. Or create a booby-trap handle that'll jam spikes into their hands when they try to open the umbrella without punching in the correct series of buttons on the handle (a la Blade's blade). Or a self-destruct button (on my keychain) that'll blow their theiving hand right off. Or (less violently) a car alarm siren that screeches "Look at me! I'm an asshole! I can't afford my own umbrella so I take them from restaurants pails!" over and over again to cause them insurmountable embarassment.

Anyone know where I can find that last one?

11 comments:

Jess said...

Can't you just act like a traditional New Yorker and stab the guy? ;)

Adrian L. Acosta said...

Lol. You just made me think of Data from the Goonies.

http://www.amiaceleb.com/celebs/celeb_images/celeb-4608-3.jpg

Steve said...

I like all your ideas. If you can't manage any of those, you could only hope the wind blows the thing inside-out on the loser-bastard!

Deviant said...

Just buy a pink umbrella with little furry hello kitties stuck around the edges of it.

No one would steal that! Unless that's the umbrella you already had, in which case never mind.

Matt C. said...

Wait. Do you mean the rare, one-of-a-kind, black compact tote umbrella probably from Duane Reade? Where oh where will you ever find another one?

My condolences.

[sometimes sarcasm grips me like an octopus helmet]

Jon said...

Somehow, life will go on.

But yeah, I'd have been pissed off too if I were you.

GrooveTheory said...

Ya know ... that happened to me a lot of times and you know what I did? I took someone else's umbrella! I can't afford to get wet, sorry.

Robert said...

Or maybe he or she just took it by mistake? Tho I do love love love the idea of the spiked-handle! I'm thinking you can prolly patent that idea!

Thanks to that person, now's your chance to get an even more fabulous umbrella! :-) Great weekend Jase.

Anonymous said...

Tokyo has this figured out. Restaurants have self-service umbrella locker thingies that are free and work really well. Everyone uses them because it would be terribly IMPOLITE to carry a wet umbrella inside.
New York could learn a few things from our Japanese friends.

will said...

I'm sure your boopy is looking for the perfect replacement umbrella right now. Probably a huge, gaudy, rainbow-striped golf umbrella so that if someone's taking it you can see it from across the restaurant (and probably from space).

epicurist said...

Everytime I leave an umbrella at work it gets stolen. Not sure who this 'brella thief is but I'm gonna kick their ass when I find out. You should get the Bennetton Umbrellas that come in all these cool colours. Jase....they have a PINK one for you... :P