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You are an asshole. And not the good kind either.
Don't you hate when that happens? It happened to me during lunch today. I had a bad feeling about it right when the waiter told me to leave it in the pail. I just knew someone was going to take my beautiful, black compact totes umbrella. Isn't that just a kick in the head?
As I was walking back to work in the rain/sleet, I thought to myself how stupid I was to listen to the waiter; and then my mind switched gears thinking how I could improve on umbrellas so that I wouldn't lose them (or bring harm upon the thief, whatever). Necessity begets invention, n'est pas?
So I thought of putting a tracking device on it so that you can track the bastard down and trip them into a puddle. Or create a booby-trap handle that'll jam spikes into their hands when they try to open the umbrella without punching in the correct series of buttons on the handle (a la Blade's blade). Or a self-destruct button (on my keychain) that'll blow their theiving hand right off. Or (less violently) a car alarm siren that screeches "Look at me! I'm an asshole! I can't afford my own umbrella so I take them from restaurants pails!" over and over again to cause them insurmountable embarassment.
Anyone know where I can find that last one?