Tuesday, December 28, 2004

I Lied, I'm Straight

When I was 13, I went to a sleepover where they had cable and was exposed to the Robin Byrd Show. I was watching a male dancer a bit too intently to raise questions by the other boys. I lied, "No, I'm straight! He's a good dancer though."

When I was 14, A. was my nemisis; she would always accuse me of being gay. I lied, "I'm straight. And stop calling everyone gay, bitch."

When I was 15, S. was the assumed gay guy in my class. He asked if we could be friends, and fearing being labelled gay by association and I lied, "I can't. I'm straight."

When I was 16, R. said, "I know it was Jason. He's gay!" We were practicing the part of the school play where R. was being caught by a bunch of amazon natives, some of whom while carrying him off-stage pulled his pants off. Even though I had a crush on him, I was too scared to do anything that daring, so I lied, "No, I'm straight."

When I was 19, I roomed next door to a flamboyantly gay guy. When the jocks on the floor asked if I knew what he was all about. I lied, in a forced baritone, "I'm straight, how the hell should I know."

When I was 21, I spent a semester in London, living with 5 other Americans. I was labelled 'the gay one' (via Real World), I laughed it off and lied, "That's okay, I'm straight; and he's stupid." Well, he was stupid.

When I was 22, my dad off-handedly asked me if I had a boyfriend. Shocked, as if I was caught stealing cookies from the jar, I hid my feelings and while acting as straight as possible I lied, "No, I'm straight."

I'm tired of lying; and this past Christmas, I stopped.

This is my 'coming out and apology' post.

To everyone I lied to, I'm sorry. Here's the truth: I'm Jason, and I'm gay.

(I apologize to anyone who is finding this out through my blog. I really wanted to tell you in person or over the phone, so give me a call, okay?)


Rob Byrnes said...

You're gay?

And here I just thought you only linked to every homo with a blog because you were open-minded...

(Seriously, you man, well done!)

Jon said...

I....am.......simply.....shocked. *gasp*

Just kidding. Glad you were honest with your family, even if you had to deal with a neurotic mom. You can finally start living life for YOU now. Hooray ^_^

Elaine said...

*gasp....really? Duh....silly! I already knew and I'm so happy that you're finally comfortable with yourself and around us! Must feel liberating! I love you Jason! You have nothing to apologize for. I remember when I first met you that I said I always wanted a gay best friend since they're so hot and fun! Straight guys have no style. Cant wait to see you later this week! =) *smooches

Dantallion said...

Very cool post. Good on you. Honesty about who you are feels good, doesn't it? You shoud be proud of yourself.

Ramin said...

Well, since I found out by reading your blog, I guess its only fair to reply to it through your blog :-)

(www.thesaurus.com rocks!)

Can't say I'm feeling any of these:

abashed, aghast, alarmed, anxious, apprehensive, aroused, blanched, cowardly, cowed, daunted, discouraged, disheartened, dismayed, distressed, disturbed, faint-hearted, frightened, frozen, horrified, in awe, intimidated, nervous, panic-stricken, perplexed, perturbed, petrified, rattled, run scared, scared, scared stiff, shocked, spooked, startled, stunned, suspicious, terrified, terror-stricken, timid, timorous, trembling, upset, worried.

Some would even say that I am:

aloof, apathetic, blasé, callous, cold, cool, detached, diffident, disinterested, dispassionate, distant, equitable, haughty, heartless, heedless, highbrow, impartial, impervious, inattentive, listless, neutral, nonchalant, nonpartisan, objective, passionless, phlegmatic, regardless, scornful, silent, snooty, stoical, supercilious, superior, unaroused, unbiased, uncaring, uncommunicative, unconcerned, unemotional, unfeeling, unimpressed, uninvolved, unmoved, unprejudiced, unresponsive, unsocial

but that's not really true, I think reality I am feeling more:

adequate, agreeable, ample, appropriate, at rest, cared for, cheerful, commodious, complacent, contented, convenient, cozy, cushy, delightful, easy, enjoyable, enjoying, gratified, hale, happy, healthy, hearty, loose, loose-fitting, luxurious, made well, palatial, pleasant, pleased, protected, relaxed, relaxing, relieved, rested, restful, restored, rich, roomy, satisfactory, satisfying, serene, sheltered, snug, soft, soothed, spacious, strengthened, untroubled, useful, warm, well-off

This is cool, I think you may be my first close gay friend. It probably won't make any difference in our friendship, but I'm kinda disappointed that I wasn't mentioned in your post.. what happened to:

When I was 23, my roommate in college was a real mess and never cleaned anything up... blah blah blah, but he had a really nice butt (or something like that) ;-)

All that aside, where is my logo mr. graphic artist wanna be!?

Hot Toddy said...

Awesome job, Jase. I can call you Jase now, right? ;)

PatCH said...


BigDubb said...

Congrats. Props to your pops. That is so freakin' cool.

Harlis Dinwiddie said...

Beautiful post from a beautiful person. Congratulations. I'll bring you back some macadamia nuts from Hawaii, just as you requested!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Now that you've taken this big step you'll need to send me your addie so we can send you all of the cash and prizes that come along with coming out. Bob, tell him what he's won...

Your post was touching and your former roomate's reply even more wonderful.

I guess it's kinda stupid for me to say I am proud of you hardly knowing you even, but you know what I mean.

Just rememebr though, being gay is just a smidget of who you really are (a really cool guy I might add) - should anyone take this news not so well, they won't really be reacting to you at all but to 2000 years or more of fear and ignorance.

Thank God you didn't have to reveal something harsher - like you are a telemarketer or spammer. Now those people should really be ashamed and are going to hell, just not to the level I'll wind-up residing.

wink - A

Anonymous said...

Yay!! liberating!!

riye said...

good for you. no need to apologize to anyone, we've all been there said that. this will be one xmas to remember, eh?

Jase said...

Rob: Actually, it's because homos love to reciprocal link, so that's the best way to drive traffic to my site.

Jon: Live my life for me? I kinda feel like live my life for my blog now. ;)

Elaine: You weren't supposed to read this!

Dan: Thanks! I kind of am.

Ramin: What a long ass comment. Someone needs to take the internet away from you.

Hot Toddy: Yes! But I'll answer to anything from you ;)

PatCH: Love ya!

BigDubb: Thanks!

Michael: Aww.. you called me beautiful (starts signing Christina Aguilera).

A: That's definitely something I have to continually remind myself of. But sometimes you can't help but take it personally. That's when you find all their little flaws and point it out to them - I'm good at that.

Anon: Yes (somewhat).

Riye: Eek.. okay, sorry about that. I'm officially labeling December 25 the gayest time of the year!

just call me jeff said...

Jase -- congratulations and welcome to the bestest club on earth! Enjoy your freedom, be true to yourself, and reap the many benefits.


Kiddo78 said...

Wow. That is a really profound post! I can really relate. Can barely even remember pretending to be straight anymore...your post made me remember how good it is to be open. Welcome to a better life!! (Somebody whose blog I read sometimes linked to your post)

Jase said...

Jeff: Thanks! I'll try to enjoy it, but I'm still waiting for my membership card.

Kiddo78: That's awesome! I've been receiving a lot of good support from this blogosphere and I'm glad I can spread some good thoughts myself.

iiltweet said...

neurotic mom? am i missing something?

so now you can really tell me if my taste in guys is good.

... and yes, it is always about me.

Jennirhiow said...

i can only say that this is very brave and considerate to yourself. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I agree with Anonymous, beautiful entry, and Ramin's entry was just as touching. *tear! Hallmark moment!


Anonymous said...

I agree with Anonymous, beautiful entry, and Ramin's entry was just as touching. *tear! Hallmark moment!