Friday, May 20, 2005

Mental Closet

I did it again last Sunday.  I don't know why I did it.  It was probably because I've done it so many times before.  I guess old habits die hard.

While I was getting to know J., another volunteer at the AIDS Walk, I pretended to be straight.  That's right, I pretended to be straight.  Those old rules echoed through my mind: don't be overly flamboyant, don't gesticulate too much, don't use the word 'fabulous'; and I followed them.

And the funny part?  My sexuality was never even brought into question during our conversations!

Sometimes, when I meet new people, my behavior automatically reverts back to how I was when I was still in the closet.  Looking back to last Sunday, I just feel foolish; especially taking into account where I was at the time: an AIDS Walk!  Not what I'd call a homophobic environment.

Eh.. change takes time, right?

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

You seem to have confused "straight" and "masculine." "Straight" means you want to have sex with females.

Hanuman1960 said...

Old habits die hard. You'll get there, just give it time! :)

Jase said...

anon: I was acting more masculine (as opposed to pretending) so that she would think I was straight - exactly how I acted when I was still in the closet.

gurustu said...

You got her to the point where she thought, "he's so cute, I wish I wasn't a lesbian."

Ironically I was just talking about breaking bad habits on my site yesterday. Hmmm, must be contagious.

Jon said...

The more comfortable you get in your skin, the less it will happen. These things don't happen overnight.

Jase said...

hanuman: thanks :)

gurustu: At one point, that actually crossed my mind too!

jon: It doesn't happen overnight, but it sure as damn should!

Ramin said...

its ok, sometimes I act gay just to get girls to like me. ;-)