How do I start this? I was invited to have drinks to celebrate someone's birthday at Posh. Getting there late at 9:30 pm, most attendees started talking about leaving; I decided not to get a drink. At 10:45 pm, everyone in the little birthday celebration group started to put on their coats. Then I did something I don't normally do, I'm not known to do, and haven't done in a while; I panicked. Read more [+/-]
"What would I do in a gay bar by myself?" My social anxiety disorder kicked in. Some thoughts that went through my head: "Are people looking at me?", "What are they thinking?", "Oh he's cute, but he probably won't give me the time of day.", "I'm boring and a loser." Before leaving, Rob told me, "Be good," then followed it up with, "forget that, don't be good," and a wink. Dispite his pep talk about being young and reckless, I decided I'd much rather be self-conscious and anti-social and headed for home.
And that's why I'm so disappointed in myself. What's worse was that when cute guys walked in, they started to play pop music (I could feel my hips yearning to shake to the beat). Sigh.
On my 15 minute walk home from the train station, I wondered why I panicked. Could it be because I was about to be by myself? Could it be because it was a gay bar? Maybe it's both. Maybe I don't feel comfortable enough to start being 'socially gay', without at least some support.
This is funny because people who know me would not describe me as shy. But my reasoning is that since I've never dated, or even asked anyone out on a date for that matter, there's still a fear of 'unknown territory'. Being out and in a gay bar by myself thrusted me mentally into the 'unknown territory'.
Stupid self-doubt. I've decided now I cannot continue on like this. Throw away your inibitions Jase! (Alcohol would have helped in this situation) Don't you want to meet new people? Yes! Don't you want to go on dates? Yes! Then promise you'll have the balls to talk to cute hotties! I promise! (and now that it's in writing, it's binding!)
Well, the only redeeming thing I did tonight was pick up a copy of HX before I left; so I'll use that in my quest to be a slut more confident in myself. Hopefully, next time I'll have more balls. There is also Therapy next week...