Saturday, January 15, 2005

Disappointed in Myself

How do I start this?  I was invited to have drinks to celebrate someone's birthday at Posh.  Getting there late at 9:30 pm, most attendees started talking about leaving; I decided not to get a drink.  At 10:45 pm, everyone in the little birthday celebration group started to put on their coats.  Then I did something I don't normally do, I'm not known to do, and haven't done in a while;  I panicked.  Read more [+/-]

"What would I do in a gay bar by myself?"  My social anxiety disorder kicked in.  Some thoughts that went through my head: "Are people looking at me?", "What are they thinking?", "Oh he's cute, but he probably won't give me the time of day.", "I'm boring and a loser."  Before leaving, Rob told me, "Be good," then followed it up with, "forget that, don't be good," and a wink.  Dispite his pep talk about being young and reckless, I decided I'd much rather be self-conscious and anti-social and headed for home.

And that's why I'm so disappointed in myself.  What's worse was that when cute guys walked in, they started to play pop music (I could feel my hips yearning to shake to the beat).  Sigh.

On my 15 minute walk home from the train station, I wondered why I panicked.  Could it be because I was about to be by myself?  Could it be because it was a gay bar?  Maybe it's both.  Maybe I don't feel comfortable enough to start being 'socially gay', without at least some support.

This is funny because people who know me would not describe me as shy.  But my reasoning is that since I've never dated, or even asked anyone out on a date for that matter, there's still a fear of 'unknown territory'.  Being out and in a gay bar by myself thrusted me mentally into the 'unknown territory'.

Stupid self-doubt.  I've decided now I cannot continue on like this.  Throw away your inibitions Jase! (Alcohol would have helped in this situation)  Don't you want to meet new people?  Yes!  Don't you want to go on dates?  Yes!  Then promise you'll have the balls to talk to cute hotties!  I promise! (and now that it's in writing, it's binding!)

Well, the only redeeming thing I did tonight was pick up a copy of HX before I left; so I'll use that in my quest to be a slut more confident in myself.  Hopefully, next time I'll have more balls.  There is also Therapy next week...

9 comments:

Jess said...

It's fine to be more outgoing and talk to guys in bars, but don't feel like you have to suddenly fling yourself head-first (or ass-first *wink*) into the dating pool. Also, don't let alcohol fuel the effort. That's a sure way to make some VERY regrettable choices.

You're going to have plenty of opportunities and will find plenty of interested guys. Come to think of it, we have a friend who is now single. He's very nice, trim, nice looking. Hmmm...

iiltweet said...

aww..i'll be your support!

Jon said...

I agree with Jess- now that you are out, you may expect things to change, but realy, you are the same person. The difference is that people know you are gay-- don't try and rush things. And, as you learned last week, most gay bars are really the same as staight bars, just filled with gays instead of straights.

riye said...

listen to your elders, there's no rush. and stop berating yourself, you iil silly gemini.

Dantallion said...

Disappointed? Are you serious? You're way ahead of most people that have the same doubts - at least you realised it and identified it right away, which is 80% of the battle. It'll probably disappear pretty quickly. You have plently of time, and you'll have plenty of anxiety-free oopportunites at this rate. Good for you. And stop being so hard on yourself.

:: jozjozjoz :: said...

Next time, Jase!

Anonymous said...

Take it from someone that has worked in gay bars for many years:

1) There are many people in any given gay bar that feel just as awkward.

2) Being in a bar alone kinda sucks under the best of circumstances. Should you get cruised by someone that makes you uncomfortable, you don't have anyone to bail you out. Unless you simply want to get laid - bring someone along. Once you've been out enough, you'll get to know bartenders and regulars, so you won't really be out alone.

3) You got a lot more going for you than many. Once you meet a few hotties then find them lacking or arrogant or superficail or unkind or insecure or just too weird, you'll look back and say. "Why the hell was I so intimidated?". Trust me on this - I'm not saying this simply to be nice.

4) It ain't a race. All in good time. You'll be just fine - I have no doubt.

wink - Aaron

Jennirhiow said...

there is no tick-tock for this! take ur time! noone's clocking you!

buff said...

Like others have posted, getting out more, knowing the bartenders, striking up a conversation will become easier as you become a regular. You'll do fine.
P.S. the shy guys sometimes score big time because they look so desirable. WOOF