The New Years Eve Cookbook

Recipes for Making A Night That Will Never End

For an amazing New Years Eve experience, fill your night with the easy-to-follow recipes!  You're sure to have a night you soon won't forget!  And you'll be asking yourself "When will this night ever end.." all night long!

Sulk-glazed Rack of Guilt  Read recipe [+/-]

• 6 New Years Eve party tickets
• 5 fashionably dressed party-goers
• 1 ghetto-fab thug
• 1 tall, dark, and mean bouncer

In the same bowl, mix tickets, party-goers and thug.  Use bouncer to separate thug and add $40 poorly-dressed charge.  Remove thug and one party-goer from mix.  Move remaining party-goers into a lame party.  Allow one party-goer to continue to sulk and seep in guilt.

Puke Pant Patties  Read recipe [+/-]

• 1 drunk bastard
• 1 handsome hottie in a black suit

Place both next to each other on the sidewalk.  Simmer bastard and watch as it starts to vomit, splattering nearby hottie.

Subway Strong-Island Iced Tea  Read recipe [+/-]

• 5 scantily dressed and lost Strong-Island chicks
• 1 lesbian-looking lost Strong-Island chick
• 1 girl with clueless boyfriend
• 1 subway map
• 4 smart-ass subway riders

In a subway car, put girl with clueless boyfriend in front of subway map.  Toss in chicks and stir, allowing each chicks' cleavage to bend over clueless boyfriend.  Watch as boyfriend face turn red as his eyes tries not to make contact with the cleavage.  After a few minutes, "Where's Penn station" will start to emit from chicks.  Throw in smart-ass riders and set to simmer with 'It's here!' and 'Get off now!'

Subway Bitch Slap Sandwiches  Read recipe [+/-]

• 1 drunk couple

Throw only ingredient in subway car and shake.  Watch as the drama unfolds by itself.  Leave in subway or pour onto street, the couple will be oblivious to its surroundings and continue to argue, grab, and bitch slap each other making this a great centerpiece at any dinner.

The 5-to-35-dollar Cab Ride Pie  Read recipe [+/-]

• 3 exhausted party-goers
• 1 cell phone
• 1 asshole cab driver
• 1 $5 cab ride

Place all in cab.  Remove party-goers and set off to side and continue to stir.  Bake for 2 hours in a gas-station before separating cell-phone from asshole cab driver and add in $30.

Syrupy Cold Sore Topping  Read recipe [+/-]

• 1 cold sore

To make any night unforgettable, add this cold sore topping to any party-goer.

Serving It All Together

I was lucky enough to taste each one of these recipes on New Years.  Read how it all went down [+/-]

First, the club's bouncer said that it would cost $40 to let one of my friends in the club because of the way he was dressed (sneakers and jeans).  Deciding it was too expensive, even after I offered to pay, he took his girlfriend and left.  That made S feel guilty for leaving them, and she spent the rest of the night checking up on them instead of dancing with me.

While outside the party getting fresh air, some drunk bastard puked right next to me.  No warning, that bastard, and it splattered on my pants.

Going home on the subway, some poor boyfriend was being flashed cleavage by Long Island girls as they looked at a subway map trying to find Penn station.  It was really funny to see him trying to avoid staring at their cleavage.  Some subway riders were getting annoyed at their loud and obnoxious ways and started to give them wrong directions; not me of course.

On another subway line, the woman of a drunk couple was literally having a mental breakdown.  Not caring who heard her she spilled the beans on their relationship.  The boyfriend was not happy.  They provided us with an hour of entertainment.

We then took a cab from the subway to my house.  E left her phone in the car.  After the asshole cab driver lied about meeting us where he dropped us off in 10 mins, he made us wait 2 hours at a gas-station, until his shift ended, before returning the phone.  He also ran the meter to $30, making our $5 cab ride $35.  Then I had to drive E and S home; I didn't get to bed until 7 in the morning.

And can you think of a better time to get a cold sore than New Years Eve?!  Talk about being a leper and noone giving you a New Years kiss.. sigh.

I hope this doesn't set the tone for 2005.

Oh yes, Happy New Year!  I hope your New Year Eve was less bitter and more sweet!