Thanks to Hallmark's constant strive to engorge the pockets of it's stock holders, the beginning of February has made the topic of love unavoidable. Everywhere you look the color of passion is thrust upon you. I had to escape into the Staples store downstairs just so I can remember what other colors existed.
Falling into the trap of Valentine's Day I found myself thinking about love. Read more [+/-]
Ever since T.J., I've never loved another man. Until a few weeks ago. It felt like a bad deja vu. The same characters: me and a friend; the same plot: I know I loved him more than he loved me; the same obsticle: he couldn't be mine. And again, the feelings of loss, depression, and helplessness came flooding back.
With the past few days of introspection, I've realized that there are a lot of differences between what had happened in the past and what is happening now. The biggest difference is back then, I was still in the closet. This kept me from being the real me. I had also changed myself to accommodate T.J., being much more passive, less sarcastic, giving him less excuses for him to stop being my friend.
When my "one-sided love" relationship ended with T.J., I thought it would be impossible for me to be friends with someone I loved if they didn't love me back. When I started to fall in love with this friend, I felt myself changing again. However, this time, I caught myself before I spiraled down into an emotional mess.
"You're out. This is the real you. There should be no reason why you need to hide yourself or your feelings. He was your friend before you fell in love with him. He will be there. Just be yourself."
And then it hit me: I have been friends with people who had crushes on me. That didn't change the way I saw them, they were still good people and still good friends (plus it was definitely easier to flirt with them). And they didn't stop wanting to be my friend when it was apparent I couldn't be with them. I've just unpacked a piece of emotional baggage.
With all this cleaning, I guess I'll come clean. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Tell everyone you love that you love them. I love you all. And Matt, I have the biggest crush on you (seriously, who wouldn't)... well, for now anyway.