Monday, February 28, 2005

The End of Whhhrhrrrr

Call it.  Time of death, 12:32 am.

I wanted to show you the picture of me and naked boy from the GLBT Expo this past weekend, but I can't.  I wanted to show you pictures of the adult magnet set from Joe Phillips I bought, but I can't.  I wanted to show the autograph I got from Tom Dolby, but I can't.

Why?  Early this morning, my computer died.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Two Months and Counting

Two Month Anniversary

Wow, has it only been two months?  For those who are new to the program, today would be the two month anniversary of my coming out.  Yes, if you did the math right, I came out on Christmas Day '04.  I feel like I've done more in these past two months than I've done in the last two years.  People I've met, events I've attended, emotions I've felt.  Read more [+/-]

It's amazing what being honest with yourself and others can do to you; I feel as if I'm intoxicated on strength, determination, and a passion for life.  I've tossed aside my inhibitions and I'm ready to take on anything, come what may!

However, thinking clearly and rationally had also been thrown out with the inhibitions.  It's all new and exciting to me, and because of my need for instant gratification, I was sometimes reckless.  Like a kid loose in a candy store, I've started to feel the onset of a tummy ache of having too much candy, too fast.

Thank you for being there and handing me some ginger ale, you know who you all are.  I love you and know I would never want to hurt anyone I loved; ever.  (Who am I talking about?  If I listed them I'm bound to forget someone; most are listed under Blogs I Read.)

Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?

So two months have passed, and I still haven't gone on a date yet!  Surprising, I know.  But as a person who's never dated before, I haven't the first clue what to do, where to go, what to say, what to order, or what to wear!  It's all VERY intimidating.  Having a fear of rejection doesn't help (and neither does Cow Pattie's story)!  Read more [+/-]

Okay, deep breath.  First things first, what's the best way to find Mr. Right?  I've heard that meeting people through friends or family is the ideal.  They act as a buffer already knowing the involved parties and can make a value judgement to determine if any relationship can come of it.  My family doesn't associate with gay men and most of my friends are either straight or 'coupled in'.

Help!  If you have any tips, I'd appreciate it.  Or maybe even some of your dating do's and don'ts - we can all learn from each other, right?  And please don't say dating sites; I've had enough people asking me if I was spicier than General Tso chicken.

Weekend Volunteering

Since I won't be tutoring this weekend, I've graciously given myself to Out of Bounds - NYC, volunteering at their booth Saturday, 2-4pm, at The 12th Original GLBT Expo (Jacob Javits Center).  Drop by and say hi!

Update: Authors Augusten Burroughs (unconfirmed) and Tom Dolby (Sat 4-5pm, InsightOut booth) are scheduled to be there for book signing!  Whee!  I'm such a nerd!

Back to Basics

A series of artistic shots of graphic tee's.

USDA Choice Beefcake

Previous Back to Basics

Thursday, February 24, 2005

The Deal Breaker

Deal breakers: triggers that tell you that a date (or a relationship) has gone bad and you realize that there is no point in investing any more time or energy in it.

For many people, it's the kiss.  I've heard that kissing can be a hint as to how they'll perform, shall we say, 'in the future' (if they ever get that far).  However, I think it's like playing an sport; with some coaching and practice, you can get better at it.

Smoking would normally be a deal breaker for me.  But, with the general consensus that it's a bad habit, I can see myself being the influence that helps them stop.

My biggest deal breaker is the laugh.  I love to laugh, and I love to make other people laugh too.  But if he has a laugh I can't stand (i.e. the dorky he-yuk or it sounds like he's hyperventilating), then my relationship monitor just flat-lined.  I mean, laughing is something you do naturally and someone can't just change it unless they consciously make an attempt to do so - every time; but then it sounds fake and contrived.

Even if the physical stuff is amazing, a lasting relationship can't be solely based on it; we'd have to talk sometime.  And if I can't crack a joke without bracing myself for the impending aural pain, then that's the deal breaker for me.

Back to Basics

Super-Duper Programmer

Previous Back to Basics

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Weekend Update

Thursday - Bloggers at XES Lounge

Did you know that XES, pronounced 'excess', is SEX backwards?  Bloggers were invited there last Thursday to discuss the implications.  Read more [+/-]

This was the start of my weekend.  It was also the start of my mission to get autographs from bloggers I meet (J of The J Way channeled Gretchen Wieners in saying my idea was "So Fetch!").  I met up with Riye after work for a quick drink then headed over to XES to pursue my mission.  It started off with formalities (as formal as you can get in a bar where Britney plays in the background), "Hi, what's your name?  Are you a blogger?  Would you sign my cool autograph book?"

Since the night's self-imagined topic was sex, I also suggested each signer describe, in five words or less, their worst sexual experience; we know how long winded bloggers can be.  It turns out they don't like to follow directions either.  You guys are always pushing boundaries!  Stay tuned, snapshots of autographed pages to come.

I had a fun time meeting new bloggers and catching up with old ones.  Of course, I've had a little too much to drink which lead to me doing a little dance, making a little love, and pretty much pulling something getting down that night.  Oh, and also writing this Warning post (which contains a partial list of attending bloggers).

Friday - The Day After

I nursed a slight hangover for the better part of Friday.  However, after work, the pain my sister was facing was much greater than my own.  Read more [+/-]

She was finally getting her tattoo!  I'll admit I was still feeling a little bitter that she didn't get it when I had mine done a week ago (it's healing nicely, thanks for asking), but when I saw the look in her face as her skin was being mutilated those feelings were replaced by compassion and hilarity.  And, of course, it was captured in digital form.

That night, I met up with my Aunt C., who was in town for the day, for a few drinks and banter.  I finally came out to her.  She was happy for me, and then proceeded to think of potential guys I can date.  I love her.

Saturday - Birthday Celebrations Galore

After waking early for tutoring, it turns out that I didn't have any this week due to President's Day.  The morning wasn't lost as I walked around the city with my sister then to the gym; I had to get ready for the night's events.  Read more [+/-]

I was invited to a birthday dinner, dubbed "Happy Celeditude 2005", for the superfab bloggers Ed Shepp of The Ed Shepp Blog Experience and Jacob of Vitamin Catster Cat.  The food was good, but the company was gooder.  J of The J Way was in attendance, including other non-bloggers.  Memorable moments include random outbursts of singing, discussing hemroid cream and herpes, and my favorite, when Ed got down on his knees and ... hee!

The second event was Birthday drinks for another blogger at Therapy.  Needless to say, I had an incredible time.  After three drinks, things can start to get blurry...

What happens next is you sit at the diner, head propped up on your hands, concentrate on not passing out (causing a constipated look on your face), not drinking your manhattan clam chowder.  Although I was fine, everyone was so sweet and worried about me.  Aww, you guys!  Can you feel the love? (And for the record, I did not throw up.)

Bloody Sunday

Do I even need to mention I had a hangover?  I didn't think so.  Low key morning.  Went shopping at Roosevelt Field.  Bought a really nice jacket from Guess that was on sale (score!).  Did not visit Jess, Bokey, or Watersea (sorry!).  Read more at my post The Last 12 Hours.

Whew... told you bloggers can be long winded.

Back to Basics

I've realized that I haven't had any fashion shots in a while.  Without further delay, I present you with my Spring-inspired collection influenced by my graphic design classes, 'Back to Basics': a series of artistic shots of graphic tee's.

Pink is the new Virgin

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

A Weekend Update (Soon)

My weekend was (again) a rollercoaster of events.  It started off prematurely, on a Thursday, causing adrenaline-filled anticipation for the following days.  It peaked to amazing heights on Saturday which was then followed by an exhilarating ride of emotional highs and lows, ending with a twist that sent me plummeting into President's Day where I was left dizzy, confused, and annoyed.  Why does life have to be so hard?

Full coverage (and revealing pictures) soon.  For now, head over to evilBuddha's recap of last Thursday night.

Monday, February 21, 2005

The Last 12 Hours

Feb 20 - 21, 2005

5:00 pm - Arrive at Roosevelt Field Mall.
6:55 pm - Leave mall with unanticipated shopping bags. (Did you buy that?)
7:45 pm - Have dinner at aunt's house.
9:12 pm - Leave aunt's house for home.
10:04 pm - Start homework.  Procastinate by fiddling with photos and signing on AIM.
12:10 am - Last chatter signs off AIM.
1:34 am - Finish playing with photos, and start graphic design homework.
2:10 am - Computer starts to make a "WHHRRRRRR" noise.
3:37 am - Computer crashes and shuts off.
3:40 am - Bandages toes.  Attempt to fix computer.
3:54 am - Turns on computer and works twice as fast to the sound of the "WHHRRRR" noise.
3:59 am, 4:10 am, 4:14 am... - Save.  Save.  Save.
4:42 am - Finish homework and go to bed.
9:32 am - Wake up.
12:22 pm - Really wake up.
1:32 pm - Go to gym.
3:46 pm - Get home; shit, shower, shave.
4:44 pm - Check email and find out class is cancelled (received 3:44 pm).

Juuuuust great.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Relationship Troubles

My goodness, what harm a whisky sour and two cosmopolitans can do... I woke up this morning with a slight hangover, but I'm still smiling as scenes of last night roll through my head.  (btw, my warning still stands - read it to find out who showed)

And then I remembered that my computer was mad at me.  Read more [+/-]

He broke down twice last night.  My attempts to sooth him made no difference.  Was it because I've been spending increasingly less time with him?  Was last night, when I came home a wee bit drunk and eating a pastrami sandwich, the final straw?  Was it the pastrami?  I just don't know.

Maybe we've outgrown each other.  Thinking back, me and boy, we've been through a lot together.  He was there to comfort me in my time in need.  When I was still in the closet, he knew just what to do to help me forget all my troubles.

Now, we want different things.  I'm moving forward with my life, I need someone who can understand that and support me.  I'm thinking about dumping him and getting myself a new guy, a mac maybe.  Someone more dependable, understanding, who won't just sit at home all day and then grunt at me when I go home and try to turn him on.

Special Birthday Wishes to EVillMom! [Visit EVill here.]

And for the super sappy, here's a letter a good friend sent me after she finally found out I was gay.  Read more [+/-]

Hi Jase! =)

Just 'cause I wasn't screaming doesn't mean I'm not happy for you!!! Now you can unabashedly (i no bigg wurds tu) enjoy your path to happiness and fulfillment. I always felt that there was a lot you were holding back, from family issues to sexuality. At least you've got one burden off your shoulders.

I'm always happy to hear of someone I love taking a genuine step towards finding their true selves. In your case a giant step. That's what its all about right? I am a quarter of a century old (as my mom so delicately put it) already and I feel like I'm gonna wake up sometime really soon and realize I'm 30 and my biological clock is running out. sigh.

We OWE IT to ourselves to live it up now while we've got the wherewithal. One day we will be on our death bed and we gotta be able to say "i had a damn good life!!"

i'm getting an anxiety attack.

Love you!!

I love you right back babe.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

I Had A Great Night

Just a warning: If I see any compromising shots of me, I WILL get you back.  F*ck!  Read more [+/-]

I'm XES-able!

So I'm going to this Gay Blogger meetup tonight I dubbed "The Next Best Thing to Celebrating Someone's Birthday".  It's being held at XES Lounge; I'll be there around 7:00 pm.  Come by and say hi!  [Not Therapy this time Toddy!]

I promised to bring an autograph book, but where the heck do I find one of these?!  (You know what I'm talking about; It has colorful pages and when someone signs a page, they fold it into a triangle so the next person can find the next free page.)  I've been to three bookstores and nothing!  Have they turned vintage already?  Any leads would be appreciated.

And now for your viewing pleasure: My friend's dog, Charlie, makes a snow brownie for you.

Update: Since I don't have a shot of Charlie's baking, those of you (and you know who you are) who feel the need of completion can go here.

Update 2: Thanks for the leads, but none had any.  I ended up buying a Cachet sketch book from Sam Flax.  It'll do.  I can always make a cover, or hold a cover contest.  Hmm..

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

¡Escuche mí!

Ever feel like your brain is in overdrive, like someone left the radio on in your head but now it's playing at twice the speed and you're looking for some way to turn down the volume or change it off the spanish station but everytime you try to concentrate you just get distracted by the noise and the only thing you can do is just.. not concentrate?

I hate stress.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

A Physical Transformation

I heard that the first thing most women do after their honeymoon is have their hair cut.  They don't feel fully complete in their transition into matrimony until they undergo a physical transformation.

Can changing our appearance help us transition into the next phase our lives?  Read more [+/-]

After two and a half months of being out of the closet I fell in love with someone; I figured that I haven't really fully moved into the 'gayborhood' until I had.  (Are you sick of me posting about love yet?)  After all, a lot of men have sex with other men and still claim to be straight; no judgement.

In addition, I had to deal with my own emotional issues regarding love, trust, and vulnerability.  If you spend time with me, you probably wouldn't see this side of me, and you probably wouldn't know that I have a fear of abandonment.  Because of this, I've built emotional walls to help detach myself from relationships.  If that didn't work, I would smother and bury my feelings deep inside until it died and rotted.  This is the reason why I've never been in a relationship.  You'll agree that's something I have to work on if I wanted to be in a relationship, and a healthy one at that.

And work it I did.  Since coming out, I started to break down the emotional walls around my heart.  I let people in and allowed their warm bask of love shine through.  I even went so far as to have romantic feelings for another person.  Admitting to these feelings was the big step for me.  And although I know in my mind that it will make me vulnerable, it's a necessary step.  "If there's no risk of losing, then you haven't gained anything."

So where does this leave me?  Leaving some of my insecurities behind, I can fully immerse myself into this new phase of my life.  And what phase change would be complete without some sort of physical transformation?

So I got a haircut.  And a tattoo.

Monday, February 14, 2005

My Valentine Revelation

Thanks to Hallmark's constant strive to engorge the pockets of it's stock holders, the beginning of February has made the topic of love unavoidable.  Everywhere you look the color of passion is thrust upon you.  I had to escape into the Staples store downstairs just so I can remember what other colors existed.

Falling into the trap of Valentine's Day I found myself thinking about love.  Read more [+/-]

Ever since T.J., I've never loved another man.  Until a few weeks ago.  It felt like a bad deja vu.  The same characters: me and a friend; the same plot: I know I loved him more than he loved me; the same obsticle: he couldn't be mine.  And again, the feelings of loss, depression, and helplessness came flooding back.

With the past few days of introspection, I've realized that there are a lot of differences between what had happened in the past and what is happening now.  The biggest difference is back then, I was still in the closet.  This kept me from being the real me.  I had also changed myself to accommodate T.J., being much more passive, less sarcastic, giving him less excuses for him to stop being my friend.

When my "one-sided love" relationship ended with T.J., I thought it would be impossible for me to be friends with someone I loved if they didn't love me back.  When I started to fall in love with this friend, I felt myself changing again.  However, this time, I caught myself before I spiraled down into an emotional mess.

"You're out.  This is the real you.  There should be no reason why you need to hide yourself or your feelings.  He was your friend before you fell in love with him.  He will be there.  Just be yourself."

And then it hit me: I have been friends with people who had crushes on me.  That didn't change the way I saw them, they were still good people and still good friends (plus it was definitely easier to flirt with them).  And they didn't stop wanting to be my friend when it was apparent I couldn't be with them.  I've just unpacked a piece of emotional baggage.

With all this cleaning, I guess I'll come clean.  Happy Valentine's Day everyone.  Tell everyone you love that you love them.  I love you all.  And Matt, I have the biggest crush on you (seriously, who wouldn't)... well, for now anyway.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Duality of One-Sided Love (Part 2)

He was clean-cut, athletic, and a little goofy.  He didn't care what people thought about him and would sometimes make others laugh while he danced to Britney Spears.

No wonder I liked him.  Read more [+/-]

I just graduated from high school.  All the friends that I knew would either enlist into the army or hope to be promoted to assistant manager at Wendy's.  I chose higher education; breaking clean from the past with a great opportunity for a new life, new social group, new friends.

It was the first day of Freshmen Week.  Only freshmen and 'Welcome Wagon' volunteers would be on campus.  I walked down the halls wondering what college would hold for me.  T.J. lived a few doors down from my room.  He was from a suburb of Long Island.  His school had sports fields and he had lettered in three sports.  He was in college on an athletic scholarship.

"Come on in, make yourself at home!"  With those words, a two year friendship had begun.

I didn't like T.J. at first; I thought his roommate was cuter.  But what better reason to visit his room and see his roommate than to befriend T.J.?  As I got to spend more time with these two, his roommate became less and less attractive, including making an ass of himself on his drunken nights.  At the end of the first semester, I had fallen for T.J. instead.  And thus starts another "one-sided love" relationship.

He was straight; he had his high school sweetheart; but he had class with me.  So I played my strengths: I tutored him.  I had convinced myself that if I showed how much I cared for his wellbeing, he will see how much I loved him, and he will love me.

In return he taught me everything there is to know about his sport, Lacrosse.  I made it a point to learn everything as I could see the sparkle of enthusiasm in his eye as he explained the nuances of ball handling.  He would teach me how to cradle and pass.  We would toss a few during our study breaks.

I thought we forged a great friendship by the end of the school year.  He gave me a Lacrosse stick to practice with over the summer.  "I expect you to be able to toss the ball behind your back like I showed you," he said with a wink.  He must have seen the disappointment on my face because he gave me a hug before leaving.  I spent the whole summer practicing, thinking about how proud he would be.  He never called once.

At the start of our sophomore year, I had become resentful that he hadn't called.  "Is that how friends are?" I thought.  "I helped you with your classes.  I learned how to throw behind my back.  The least you can do is pick up the phone, and ask me how I'm doing."

My expectations of our friendship would continue to escalate and so would my resentment.  He would continue to be entrenched in his sport and his teammates, casting me off to the side.  I would make friends with the rest of the team to be close to T.J.  As time passed, we'd see less and less of each other.  I would cry at night wondering why he didn't call me to hang out.

Nearing the end of my sophomore year, our relationship was drastically different than the year before.  I was extremely depressed that he wasn't telling me about his escapades as I cooked him dinner.  I decided to smoke up for the first time to forget (and celebrate the end of another school year).  Bad idea.

I was still depressed, but now that my mind wandered, strong feelings of resentment kept washing over me like crashing waves.  I had to do something before I drowned in sorrow, so I wrote a letter to T.J.  The only part I can remember was the beginning, "I don't think we can be friends anymore."  And crying.  The rest of it probably dealt with what I expected from him and how he had disappointed me.  I wrote two pages, front and back.  And then I taped it to his door and went to bed, still high.

I woke up next morning with a start.  It took me a minute to realize what had transpired the night before.  I crept toward his room thinking if I took the letter back, our friendship would still be salvageable, somehow.  As I reached his room, peered in, I saw that he was halfway through the letter.  Embarrassed, hurt, and hungover, I crept back to my room and locked the door.  He never spoke to me again.

This would be the second time "one-sided love" ended a friendship.  But this time, it was my love for someone else.  This would scar me for life; and I wondered if X. went through the same feelings because of me.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Duality of One-Sided Love (Part 1)

I was geeky and awkward and my nose was outgrowing the rest of my face.  Hormones got the best of me and I hadn't yet discovered the benefits of acne face wash and shaving.

Why did she even like me?  Read more [+/-]

I was an American Born Chinese (ABC) teen in junior high.  X. was a Fresh Off the Boat (FOB) teen in the same school who had been in America for a couple of years.  She spoke with a Chinese accent, and I knew enough Cantonese to make fun of her in her native tongue.  I was in my group of boys who played basketball and hated girls, she was in her group of girls that did whatever it is girls do in junior high and calling boys gay.

We would mingle at times of truce, sharing in our interest of modern Chinese culture: trading YES! cards (Collectable cards featuring stars of Asian cinema and music from YES! magazine), eating cheap Chinese food we could afford, having her teach me how to write in Chinese and me teaching her how to pronounce the letters 'r' and 's'.

In the Spring semester of our seventh grade, after X.'s friend M. claimed her possession of my friend D., X. would confess her love for me in the form of a Valentine's Day card, a letter in what I can remember to be 8pt font in script and a jar full of folded lucky stars (the tradition is to fold one for each day of the year).  I hadn't gotten her anything, but I accepted her gifts anyway.  I was young and it was (and still is) nice to receive gifts.

When she asked me to be her boyfriend, I told her no.  Instead of telling her the truth, I told her it was because she was 'too Chinese' (which was partially true; I had a pet-peeve where I couldn't stand listening to people speaking with a Chinese-accent, hence my pronunciation tutoring).  We could still be friends I assured her.

But could we?  Her admission of love for me changed the dynamic of our friendship.  We treated each other differently, or perhaps she had always treated me this way and by me knowing how she felt, skewed the way I saw things.  I had more power because she loved me more than I loved her.  Maybe the only change in the relationship was on my end; but it was obvious the balance of power, the equality of our friendship, had shifted.  It created this "one-sided love" relationship.  As weeks passed, it became harder and harder for me to see us as friends.

X. would think it was because of her 'Chineseness' that I was starting to pull away.  She wouldn't know it was because I was gay and afraid of this "one-sided love" relationship.  She would try to change herself to appease me, choosing to go by a more 'Americanized' name, wanting me to tutor her more, calling me on the phone just to talk, and even buying me an expensive wallet for my birthday.  In the end, her sincere attempts to hold onto the friendship turned into an annoyance, and even after she told me she no longer had romantic feelings for me, I wouldn't believe her and I ended the friendship.

This was the first time "one-sided love" ended one of my friendships.  I could no longer be friends with someone who loved me more than I love them.  I just couldn't.  Was it guilt?  immaturity?  inexperience?  I still wonder.

As fate would have it, I would be on the other side of the fence a few years later.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

G.H.F.C. Y'all

Happy New Year everyone; or as I would say to my Grandmother as she hands me 'lucky money' in a red envelope, Gung Hay Fat Choy.

Here are some rules for today:  Read more [+/-]

  1. You cannot wash your hair.
  2. You cannot use scissors or knives.
  3. All your meals must be vegetarian.
  4. If you are married, you give lucky money to those who are not.
  5. You must wish Gung Hay Fat Choy to all Chinese people.  My advice to you is say it to every Asian person you see no matter if you think they're Japanese, Korean, Filipino, or you just can't tell. Chances are some of them will be Chinese; so you might as well play it safe.

Break any rules, and you've lost your luck for the rest of the year.

Here's some links so you can educate and enjoy yourself:
Chinese New Year [via Wikipedia]
Chinese New Year in New York City [via]
Explore Chinatown in NYC

Update (10:30 am): What horoscope reader Paul Ng says this year has in store for me (via my sister. Get your reading here).  Read more [+/-]

MONKEY in 2005

This year favors the male monkey more than the female counterpart. There are plenty of romances, which may result in triangular love. Your work may be volatile. Your limbs are hurt easily.
[Well, I've already got the consulting job and leg cramps.. just waiting on the ménage à trois now.]

There would be up’s and down’s. Your favorable businesses include entertainment, public relations and products for men.
[Is go-go dancing considered a product or a service? seems to be public relations for sure.]

Your income would be stable, with an upward trend. Often you had to lose before you can gain.
[Well, from the bottom you can only go up.]

There would be plenty of small ailments, especially with the arms and legs. Rest more and exercise well.

You would have good romances and people relations. Be careful of triangular loves. If you are single, consider marriage. If you are married, stay away from extra-marital relations.
[Triangular loves? I have no idea what that means... teehee.]

Metal Monkey (1920, 1980)
You would run into some people problems. However, your work is good. There is a good chance for promotion.
[Dammit... I knew I hated people for a reason.  All in all, I'm thinking this will be a good year for me!  Woohoo!]

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

With Friends Like This

Coming off an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend, I was still feeling hopeless, helpless, and depressed.

I'm so lucky to have friends to tell me stories like this.  (If you enjoy that, he's going to perform at WYSIWYG Talent Show - Tues, Feb 15.  Can you imagine what story he'll tell in which he claims isn't fit for blogging?!)

I'll admit that story did indeed brighten up my day.  A little embarrasment can really make someone else feel better.  I think my coworkers are starting to wonder why I suppress-laugh-cackle randomly throughout the day.

Speaking of which, I'm surprised no one has asked me for proof of my depilation experience.  What happened to all my horny, sex-crazed (in other words, gay) readers?

Monday, February 07, 2005

A Weekend of Firsts

I've experienced many 'firsts' this past weekend, many of them good, some of them bad.  When it was good, it was really good.  When it was bad, it was gut-wrenchingly, nauseating, heart-achingly bad.  I’ll leave it to you to guess which ones are good and which are bad.

Note:  There are some that are long.  Although they can be separate posts, I felt the need to keep them all together.  Don't feel obligated to read them all in one sitting.

“Okay, you need to make that smaller.”  The first time I put money in a strange man’s g-string.  Read more [+/-]

On Friday, after the first time I had dinner with E., a bartender from Townhouse, I went to The Web for the first time on invitation from Crash.  This place is toted as NYC’s only Asian dance club, bar and cabaret.  What this means, I found out, is that they have go-go dancers.

Being the selectively frugal person I am, I went before they started charging cover (Sorry for running off like that E.!) and was one of five people in there, two of them being the bartenders.  I easily struck up a rapport with the bartenders which scored me a much needed free bottle of water.

As the club got busy, no one seemed to be paying gratitude to the performer in the cage working his butts off.  Being the generous person that I am (and learning from Slate), I got some singles, went up to the cage and started slipping dollar bills into the go-go dancer’s g-string.  Being the only one at the cage, he lowered himself doing a bit of a showy dance, and then started talking to me!  We had a pleasant, and flirty, conversation.

He would later find me at the bar after his set and we’d have some more conversation with him suggesting we “hang out when I’m sober.”  I guess it wasn’t hard to tell I’d had one too many drinks in me.

Crash and friends showed up soon after.  Seeing my rapport with the bartenders and some of the go-go dancers he didn’t believe it was my first time there.  I’m social, what can I say.  Tease.  As the night progressed, I did some teasing of my own, taking my shirt off for the first time in a club… and then some.

“Watch me be a bitch.” The first time I was a vindictive gay bitch.  Read more [+/-]

During the night at The Web, there was this guy who decided he’d try to ‘infiltrate’ my dancing circle.  No one was interested yet he was still so persistent to the point of being annoying; grabbing randomly at our arms, legs, waist and thighs.  Take a hint.  You’re not cute, and we don’t want you dry humping our legs.

So before we left, I decided to show him how to really work it.  I walked up to the guy he was talking to (at the moment), and pretending to know him, I grabbed him and gave him a hug and kiss and said goodbye.  When the annoying guy looked at us and said something to the effect of “hug goodbye?” I pretended I didn’t hear him and walked away.  The music was loud.

It feels good to be evil sometimes.  Until I found out it was his birthday.  That made it all that much sweeter.

“Red means love.  Red means pain.”  The first time I wrote a love poem in the subway.  Read more [+/-]

On the 3 am train ride back home, in my drunken haze, my thoughts started to wander.  It finally found its way deep into my psyche where I’ve repressed the love for a guy I could never have.  The feelings were so strong that my heart was pierced with pain and I started to cry, and the only way I could stop myself was to divert my feelings into words.  I took out my journal and a red pen, and started writing.

I’m drunk, Just so you know about it before you judge me.
How do you define love?
When you put their well being before yours?
Is that love?

When you give them everything you have inside you, is that love?

And when you realize that they can’t love you back, and your heart breaks, and tears start to well up in your eyes, is that love?

Is that love? Or is that loss?

Love is dangerous. And if you don’t be careful, you’ll fall for someone who won’t/can’t love you back – and all you’ll have left is a pen and a piece of paper.

How do you stop yourself from loving someone?
Do you figure out all his “bad” points?

I still fell in love with him. So how do you stop it? Is there a way?

Or is this real? Is this life?

And I’ll reminisce about our time together now, when we went out, when we shared, and live in those feelings, and worry about my loss another day.

I went home and slept, hugging my tear-stained pillow tight.

“Okay, who won?”  The first time I tutored 4th graders in math.  Read more [+/-]

I woke up at 7:30 am on Saturday, only having 3 hours of sleep from the night before.  I was drowsy, but excited I’d get to see my wonderful 4th grade students again!  Last year, I volunteered to tutor 4th graders to improve their reading comprehension and hopefully they’ll perform well in a test required by all 4th grade students in January.

Missing the training session the week before didn’t help, neither did being completely hung-over.  Luckily my partner was prepared and I just followed her lead.  The math program is more informal than the reading program.  We sat around playing number games rather than going over standardized testing materials.  This, the math counselor said, is to help kids understand the concept and scope of numbers, rather than teaching them a mechanical way to solve problems.  Whatever; as long as you let me play with some dice, I’m a happy camper.

“Now hold your knees to your chest.  Deep breathing helps.”  The first time I spread eagle, completely naked, for a Brazilian.  Read more [+/-]

At noon on Saturday, I was to meet my friend A. to start our spa date.  I’ve never been a big fan of spending a lot of money for self-pampering.  I’m happy with just my can of shaving cream and disposable razor.  Coming out of the closet, I figured most gay men must have been to a spa at least once in their lifetime.  I had some ground to make up.

So I was excited when A. told me that if I went with her to get a Brazilian wax at J.Sisters, she’d pay for me to get one also.  I’m not one to pass up on a free deal, so I agreed.  I must admit I was also nervous.  I couldn’t tell you if it was more the impending pain or the impending embarrassment of being naked in front of a total stranger being paid to look at your goodies.

Being waxed the first time, I asked the waxer C. to coach me through it.  “Wax clean everything?  Your privates?” he asked with his accent, making an encompassing gesture around his crotch and ass.  I worked up the courage to actually nod and he replied, “You take off everything and lie down, face up, head here.”  He then left the area so that I could disrobe.

I did as he had asked and waited lying prone, hoping I didn’t suddenly get excited by the warm light, or the little fan blowing cool air in my direction.  Luckily I was still tired from lack of sleep and C. wasn’t really my type.

Upon returning and “checking my body” he bent my legs wide open so the bottom of my feet faced each other and touched.  He then mentioned that I was also due for an armpit waxing.  That never crossed my mind, but I thought, “I’m here already.”  And so began my first experience into the world of waxing.  He stripped all the hair armpits then he worked on my crotch, applying wax and stripping it away.  After he was satisfied with the front, he told me to hold my knees to my chest while he worked on the bottom and backside.

Fully spread out and vulnerable.

You’ve never lived until you’ve had a Brazilian man apply hot wax to your chocolate starfish only to rip it off with a piece cloth along with all the hairs that were caught in the process.

Not having much body hair to being with, I now have even less.  And I have pictures to prove it.

“Your skin is beautiful.  Like a woman.”  The first time my body was worked on by a woman.  Read more [+/-]

After the ‘hair-raising’ experience, A. and I were off to Broadway Spa to relax ourselves with a hot stone massage and facial.  I hoped it’d help me to calm down from feeling violated.  This will be the first time I got a massage and a facial.

The masseur was a Russian woman who from the first moment laid her hands on me, complimented me on my soft, smooth skin, comparing it to a woman’s.  “Thanks,” I muffled to towards the floor trying to flex the area of muscles she was working on.

When she got to my goodies area, I wondered if she would have figured out that I’d just had my ass depilated or if she thought I normally rub baby oil on my ass crack.  I didn’t want to find out so I admitted that I had gotten my first Brazilian wax just before.  She immediately felt compassion for me, which made me relax even more.

After the relaxing massage (I didn’t get an erection), it was time for the facial.  Thinking that being worked on naked was the rule in a spa I lied underneath the towel naked for my facial.  That surprised the woman who was giving my facial, as she only needed me to take of my top.  I was naked in front of two people already today, what’s a third eh?

Facials hurt.  I came out with minimal scarring and a nose like Rudolf.  The bright side was that I glowed; that’s what they told me.

“I’m leaving. You want me?”  The first time I gave my phone number to a stranger.  Read more [+/-]

He really wasn’t that cute, and I’m not that attracted to him.  But he was the bartender, and probably the only other ‘openly’ gay person in the club.  I was at Capitale in downtown New York City for an Asian party masked as a Tsunami fundraising event.

A little flirting was all that was needed to signify to him I was ‘on his team’, and for the rest of the night, I was quickly served by this tall, black man.  Maybe it was the $5 tips I kept leaving for him.  Maybe I was bored and wanted someone to flirt with.  All I know was that when I was leaving, I took a picture with him and gave him my phone number.

Oh, the party itself was okay.  And half of the pictures I was in, I have no recollection of.

“This is real.  This is life.”  The first time I realized that there’s nothing I can do about it.  Read more [+/-]

I watched Garden State again on Sunday morning.  It finally hit me that these feelings are real and that I can’t stop them.  I shouldn’t stop them.  They’re a part of life; and that’s all I have, we have.  And I felt those feelings of loss and hopelessness again.  The world had turned dark and cold, the wind picked up.

I would later recieve an email from this guy, confirming that my dreams could never happen.  That's when I broke down.

As I applied my baby oil to my tender areas before turning in for the night, I wondered if I’ll ever feel so passionately in love as I have before; if this time they’ll love me back.

That night, I dreamed that they had.  But it was with the same guy that couldn’t.  And violently I was pulled from unconsciousness by a cramp in my right leg the next morning.  Damn karma.


I woke up with, or more accurately, violently and painfully thrown out of an unconscious state by a cramp in my right calf.  Mentally I cursed karma as tears welled up in my eyes and I performed the ancient asian massage technique: "It's too fucking early for this shit".  I hate Mondays.

More on the events of this weekend soon.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Unforgettable (to the Max!)

Check out this Vermontage [via Glennalicious] for more images from my Unforgettable weekend.

Life of Brian (and Jase)

Brian is from Arkansas.
Brian came to New York City on a business trip.
Brian got wasted at Posh.
Brian passed out on a couch next to Jase and his friends.
Jase and his friends decided to put him in a cab.
Jase supported Brian as Jase's friend took down his number (the bubble 'i's!).
Jase put him in a cab, deftly coaxing the address of his hotel.
Jase later called Brian to make sure he was in his hotel, safe and sound.
He was.  Mystery solved.

This ephiphany was brought to you courtesy of a Q44 bus ride.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

A Clean Surprise

I was going through my jacket pockets looking for some gum and decided it would be a good time to clean them out:

Handful of cheap napkins (unused). Out.
A movie ticket stub. Out.
A condom from Yaffa Cafe. In.
Blistex, glove, eyedrops. In, in, in.
Home-made business card for a psychic reading by Destiny. Ou.. wait..

Someone named Brian crossed out Destiny's information and wrote their number on the back (it wasn't my handwriting; I don't do bubble 'i's).  When did I wear this coat last?  and where?  I couldn't come up with the answer to these questions.  501 area code?  A quick search came up with "(Northwestern and Central) Arkansas"  Huh?

What is even more mysterious is where the hell my gum went!

For those wondering, I actually went to those identity websites, but I wasn't about to pay $5.95 to view the results!  I guess this mystery will have to stay unsolved.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005


My first gay retreat.

I took a risk down the blue trails.
I dined artistically.
I came back after failing miserably.
I bonded in bubbling waters.
I formed angels in the snow.
All this, because I let go.

I dedicated this post to the following men who made it unforgettable.  Read more [+/-]

Look what was found on our cars after dinner at Denny's.  Check it out [+/-]

Everyone thought that was cute.
I thought it was creepy; then again, I'm just the virgin.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Singled Out or Coupled In

I listen to morning talk radio while I get ready for work, and one of the subjects today was the difference in social preference people adopt whether they're single or in a relationship.  Read more [+/-]

On the show, those that were in a relationship said they would rather stay home with their significant other (SO) rather than go out to a bar with their single friends.  One of the single guys said that if he was in a relationship, he'd always go out due to the fact he had to look at same person all the time (hm.. maybe that's why he's not in one).

One caller called in saying they'd always prefer staying at home with their SO because they'd be bored at the bars (while others play the dating game).  Another caller called in saying that her husband is ALWAYS out with his buddies (firemen and their fraternal relationships) and she never gets time with him.

I wondered as I showered if and when I'm with someone, would I go out or stay in?  Ideally, I'd probably split it half and half - I like to cuddle and I like to go dancing.

The last part of the discussion they had was that as a couple, people tend to lose their 'single' friends and start making more 'couple' friends.  Then I realized that most of the gay friends I had now are in couples.  Although I'm pretty certain I won't lose touch with my amazing 'coupled' friends, I started to think about what leads to this diversion.  I came up with different social needs - I'd probably enjoy myself more in a social club meeting new, potential dates, where as couples would probably enjoy the company of other couples.

Maybe I need to find more single gay friends?  Or find myself a SO.  Which is easier to do within 13 days?